Where is jealousy coming from

We feel vulnerable to losing the attention or feelings of someone close to us. It is defined as mental uneasiness due to suspicion or fear of rivalry or unfaithfulness and may include envy when our rival has aspects that we desire. By discouraging infidelity, jealousy historically has served to maintain the species, certainty of paternity, and the integrity of the family. But it can be a destructive force in relationships — even lethal. Jealousy is the leading cause of spousal homicides.

Her insecurity also made her jealous. Her beliefs reflect toxic or internalized shame common among codependents. See What is Emotional Abandonment. Studies show that insecure individuals are more prone to jealousy. Jill had healthy self-esteem. Comparisons are a red flag for underlying shame. The greater is the intensity or chronicity of these feelings, the greater shame.

Thus, codependents take rejection hard, because of low self-esteem, toxic shame, and history of emotional abandonment. See my post about breakups.

Typically, shame leads to attacking oneself or another. It gives us a sense of control over the anticipated inevitable abandonment that would hurt even more. See breaking the cycle of abandonment.

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Trace it back to its source. Voice your concerns. Talk to a trusted friend. Put a different spin on jealousy. Consider the full picture. Honesty, for example, is often a value for people, or courage. When our values are clearly defined and present in our minds, they exert a kind of motivating pull on our behavior which helps us steer clear of impulsive and self-sabotaging behavior.

We all have values of course. If you want to start responding to jealousy more constructively, one of the best things you can do is make time to get to know your values. Taking assertive action means you make decisions and act in a way that aligns with your values and what you think is right—regardless of how you happen to feel in the moment.

Wait a second? If you want to stop reacting negatively to your jealousy, be intentional about how you do want to respond to it. The first step of this is what we discussed in part 4 about clarifying your values. With practice, assertiveness is a skill we can all build and get better at.

And when you do, it will make managing your jealousy effective much, much easier. The key to managing jealousy in a healthy and effective way is to understand what it really is and how it works. Really great article. Thank you. This is so helpful and if I succeed in doing what you propose I believe it will make me happier.

The only difficulty I immediately foresee is whether it is possible for me to work towards a strategy to make up for what I now acknowledge I lack. I have never looked at jealousy through this lens before. Thank you so much for the incredibly eye-opening article, Nick! What about envy please tell us about that too.

I know jealousy can be a pain, but with your elaboration, I learned to appreciate it more. We always see the bad things and forget to see the good ones behind them. Thank you for helping us understand our emotions and pushing us to slowly build ourselves. God Bless and keep writing! I never thought of jealousy as a loss, always as wanting something I could not have. What an eye opening article. Thank you, such helpful words. I really struggle and try everything to overcome such a difficult emotion.

I am determined to overcome it. What Is Jealousy, Exactly? And since then I am jealous every time she goes out. She now says I am controlling her. She wants to go out with friends and I want her to but I still worry. How do I get over the jealousy.

We both know our lives will be wonderful together but we both need to deal with our issues. Mine being jealousy and her with control when she drinks. Am I being too one sided? I have be told,i not going on those zoom meeting any more,when i get better, when i get help from 2 nurses yet, i got no help any more,it take long time, as well,what your advice about this,i got no much lady friend this moment,i got jess ,f,my boyfriend is my James,. Im 52 and my boyfriend of one year is My boyfriend just found out a month ago he fathered a daughter 42 years ago.

She found him in a ancestry. They text and talk every day. She use to never do this. I have a feeling other single girlfriends of hers might be influencing her behavior. Is that too much to ask? When we saw each other we of course wanted to make love. After some time we stopped using them, however one night she said she wanted to use them.

I was out. She had some. She never carries them, but all the sudden she has them. I almost want to go hunting for the box to see how many had been used since I only used 1. She is correct, I do need to look after myself better. But her being hypercritical along with the actions above has gotten me feeling much depression, despair and insecure feelings.

But this is eating away at me. Sometimes the red flags can not be ignored, your girlfriend is changing her behavior due to things that she is not making you aware of. And AJ sometimes its not jealousy its actually your intuition and those little red flag antennas going up. The best this you can do is have a conversation about what you feel and if she dismisses your feelings as just being insecure then you should ask yourself another kind of question, do you see yourself doing this for another 5yrs or 10 or 20 with someone who dismisses your feeling.

Wishing you peace and a happy journey. So I started dating my guy on March 30th, This thing like destroys me to full. Even though I dont know the person and not sure if they are seeing someone or not, but this thought gets associated with them and thats it. I dont want to see them again. Cannot bear to see them. Get nervous when they are around. Anxiety kicks in. All you need to say your self is that its normal , shit happens. Try to discuss this issue with your partner or some friend who is a good listener and can do counter reply.

For some reason, I like her at this stage, I cannot figure out what I like about her. Might sound stupid. I became highly anxious, nervous, anxiety kicked in. The next thing I know is that I cannot see her after this thought. When I see her in the office, my heart starts to race, nervousness kicks in. I think BP shoots up as well.

She is more like a stress for me. Lately, however, a friend of mine is getting lucky breaks, like a solo exhibition, because she knows people and is very charming.

I am a much quieter person. I am not envious of her art. I envy her ability to network and feel I might not make it because I have a rather honest personality. I do think she mostly pretends. I really needed help in my relationship. So I am just going to tell you my problem incase you want to help me out. I have my boyfriend that I love Soo much.

Our relationship itself between him and me is so perfect. The greatest problem is when we met each other we both had other partners. We kinda of ignored it at first until one unfortunate day for me.

I went to see the other guy now my ex , and my current boyfriend found out. He was pissed off and disappointed for he said he trusted me and he thought we were perfect for each other even though he knew the guy was there all along. In other words he was like he needed some time. He said I should try and focus on my relationship with him only and not think of the other gal..

Honestly I really want a future with him because he is a good.. And now my question is: is it possible that he might actually be genuinely confused on whom to choose and I should give him more time or He is playing me and would dumb me maybe last minute. Now I have watched your videos on how to know if he is playing me.. This jealousy is eating me up inside and killing my relationship with my sister… My sister is 21 and getting married in 3 weeks, and she wants me to be the maid of honor.

I am as well, a man. Which seems to have very limited resources for any kind of outside help. Whole other story. I am however aware of a few things which add to my insecurities. My own fault for letting this happen, either way I let it almost kill me. I fell into deep depression, started using drugs and alcohol. Lost the rights to my kids. Picked up some pretty bad criminal charges. It was nasty. So, I stayed in treatment where I now currently Manage. Got my life back together, and started dating someone.

This was against all my better judgement since she works with me and she was seeing someone. Living with him at that. I knew if she was able to jump in bed with me while being with someone else, who says it wont happen to me!? I told her this, but her and I fell for one another right off the hop. I am still with her, but since we have dated I have had some problems. Some are in my opinion, legit reasons. Most are not. I instantly go into this panic mode when ever this happens. I feel the way I did in my past relationship.

I voice this to her, sometimes the wrong way! I know we are in love. She says she understands, but then I feel like I am being a total psycho, not wanting her to talk to these men. I am not against her having friends that are guys, just the thought of these men she was with, who still show interest in her. She acts the same. She does not like it if I have any friends that are women. I make myself try to understand a few things. I made a decision to date her while she was in a relationship.

She moved out, left him and has been with me since. I know the past, my addiction and who I am today are all effecting my confidence. In a positive way, and negative way. Finally, I am basically seeking any kind of advice, ears to listen, or if I have helped anyone with what I am going through.

Hi, I feel so ashamed of feeling so jealous! I am so lucky! I have 3 grown up children a relatively good marriage lockdown has caused challenges, we celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary in April and I joked would we make 36?

We are currently all well and safe! Which makes me feel worse for feeling the way I do! I have a brilliant relationship with my only daughter she is the youngest of our three! She is doing so well a good job lovely house in a happy loving relationship!

We have an adorable 2 yr old Tibetan terrier Jakey. Whenever we have gone away on holiday Jess said daughter and her boyfriend Cieran have looked after him, took him on days out etc. They have put a deposit down on a puppy a cockapoo, Jakey is not a fan of this breed! Please tell me why I have these horrible horrible feelings, I know how stupid I am being and I know that I will love the new addition to the family and that I will do everything to help with her! But my Jakey will be knocked from his top spot!

And Darcey will become their new baby! I hate myself this morning. Regards Gill. Thank you for this article. I came out of an abusive relationship and now and beginning a new one with a very kind person. I have never been jealous but recently found myself feeling this way. I dont act on it and leep these feelings to myself and usually just cry.

I hate this obsessive feeling.